I received a phone call about 6 weeks ago. It was a (562)
number, so I let it go to voicemail. Actually I think I was teaching when this
(562) number called (wouldn’t be amazing if I was talking about grace when it
rang? I don’t remember what I was teaching on; I probably wasn’t even teaching,
I was probably having a one on one conversation with a student about something
significant while the rest of the class talked for the one-millionth time about
the new Nikki Manage album. That tended to be how about 90% of my classes went.
Junior Highers. Need I say more? No. I’m not complaining, I’ve come to accept
that this was the best and probably the only way to run the sort of class I was
appointed to teach. And I grew very fond of my students and they of me. It was
awesome.) Anyways, so this number calls and I let it go to voicemail, as I do
with 9/10 calls that come through with a foreign number. So I get done with
class and I listen to this voicemail that this faceless (562) number has left.
I find out that it is someone named Daniel, who assured me in the message that
we had not met, and who is the Middle School pastor at a neighbor church in
Long Beach. He wants me to teach at his camp this summer because his previous
speaker fell through. My first reaction was that it was a mistake. Really? Me?
Teach at a camp? I’ve never done this. I must call him back and tell him that
whoever gave him my number must have misled him—I’m very inexperienced at camp
speaking, and by inexperienced I mean experience-less. He should probably find
someone else. I tell him this up-front and he just asks very frankly, “Well,
are you any good? At teaching?” My response was equally frank, “Yes, I believe
I’ve been gifted to teach. But I’ve only done it a handful of times at church”
“Well, as long as your confident I’m sure you’ll do great. Lets meet this week
to talk about it.” Just like that, I was on my way to doing my first camp.
Right away I really wanted to do it, but I didn’t know if I could. What if I wrote a bunch of sermons and none of them
connected? What if I don’t relate well with the students? The worry started
instantly. The unrealistic questions flooded like a tsunami. But there was also
this immense desire deep within to do it. This was an amazing opportunity, and
I couldn’t deny that. I’d been wanting to get my foot in the door in some
ministry but I wasn’t sure where and I wasn’t even sure when I could happen.
Summer isn’t always the best time to join a ministry. Again, there were worries
and anxiety…everywhere.
It
was all very providential and it continued on that path for the next 6 weeks,
all the way up till the end of camp. This Daniel fellow turned out to be a real
champ, a complete kindred spirit. He bought me books to help me study. He
prayed for me constantly. He encouraged me and helped me brainstorm ideas. He
trusted me with his flock. He was continuously confident that I’d do great
things and that God would use me. I on the other hand was continuously worried
and anxious. There were moments of confidence and brightness where I felt like
God was going to use this week to teach through me, but even on the drive up to
camp, although I felt pretty good about my talks, I was worried about my car
breaking down, not the one that was in the shop recovering from the small fire
that had started in it, but the new one that I was driving. Yes, my car caught
on fire on July 3. I had a fuel leak and it sprayed gasoline on my spark plugs,
and natural chemistry followed its course. However, although I was
disappointed, this was grace at work, and I kind of knew it. That’s why I
didn’t get angry or shake my fist at God, and I didn’t even worry about it that
much. I knew it was providential and that God was going to use his grace to
redeem this for his glory and my joy. But I was afraid of God, I was mixing his
grace with his discipline. You see, there was something specific in my heart
that God was using his grace to change. I’m a greedy person. More specifically,
I’m a very dissatisfied person. Nothing seems to be good enough for me. I’m
always wanting something better than what I have. So even though God was so
gracious and answered my prayers to give us a new car that got good mileage,
that was safe and reliable and affordable and that had less than 100k miles on
it; sadly it wasn’t enough for me. So God called my bluff and in a sense said,
“oh so you don’t like it? Well then you won’t really miss it.” He doesn’t do or
say this maliciously. He is simply giving us what we want. It’s true, I didn’t
want that car, even though it ran and was clean and safe and carried my
surfboards and was a total ace (Ranger Danger). So my vehicle was taken out of
the game. And God waited for me to come to my senses. His grace was working to
make me content, like Christ, who had far less than I do. This is what God’s
grace does for us, it rescues us from stupid crap like silly feelings of
malcontent and rings out our heart to reshape it into one more like Christ’s.
This ringing hurts sometimes; I was feeling a little pain when the mechanic
said, “Yea, I don’t see this car
getting fixed for less than $600.” By the way, that’s not how much it’s going
to cost. I actually still don’t know how much it’s going to cost because the
mechanic still hasn’t found the necessary part. But it is going to be less than
$600, which is already a sign of God’s gracious and redemptive power. But there
was greater grace still that I had yet to see.
Up
to this point, I wasn’t feeling like I had really grasped the fullness of
grace, conceptually speaking. I understood it to a great degree, but there was
still something missing. And the whole car fire situation opened my eyes to the
grace that was currently being interwoven into my life. And it became so real
to me, in an instant of gracious understanding that God opened my eyes to!
But I was still a little worried
about my sermons. My main concern was that literally every single student would
fall asleep because my messages were too hard to understand and far too boring.
But I couldn’t think creatively at all leading up to the camp! I couldn’t for
the life of me find a freaking illustration or a little word picture. It was
really annoying! Little did I know that this lack of confidence would be the
key to my success, or rather, to the Lord’s success. I went to prepare for my
message, read through it, made some notes, and God gave me a few more insights
into the topic of grace. Whew! Okay, this might just work. Maybe only a few of
them will fall asleep. My first message was shaky but very logical and it
flowed well. I was nervous, I had just met the students. I didn’t know how to
connect. Am I going too long? Why are my hands so sweaty? Good lord, this is
almost as bad as my wedding day. And then it was over. Only one fell asleep,
but I chalked that one up to a long day of recreation and too much sugar, and
he was only asleep for maybe 5 minutes. I sat back and thought back over what I
had said. Made sense to me, and it seems like it made sense to them too.
Awesome! Wait, I still have 3 more of these to do. Crap. Well, hopefully God will
provide some more insight tomorrow. I already felt more confident, like I had
talked out my jitters and a good portion of my anxiety. But I still couldn’t
shake the feeling like I was really dispassionate when I spoke and that I had
stayed completely monotone for the entire message. I have to show them that I’m
excited about grace! Once again, Daniel
came through the next day and encouraged me further. “Bryce, just be who you
are. You don’t need to be some fiery speaker, because I don’t think that’s who
you are. Is it?” “No, not at all really.” “Then don’t fake it. You sounded like
you up there, which is great!”
Okay,
lets do this again. God provided more insight, a lot more and the second
message was really sweet. I got a glimpse of the rest of the week, and I saw
that God wanted to keep me unconfident. He desired that I stay weak and
anxious, because He is a God who wants nothing to be left to doubt: He is the
one that is speaking. It is his truth that he has privileged me to comprehend.
These are his lungs and his mouth. I am just the vessel. Not a identity-less
robot, but a working, thinking, feeling craft. And I felt it. My passion was
there and it showed. Later, a student came and asked me questions about the
message. It was just what I needed: affirmation that this was indeed
providential. God knew I was not yet fully convinced of this truth; my eyes
were not fully open to what was really going on. Even though they probably
should have been, God was not angry with my lack of progress. He was cooperating
with me, he was meeting me where I was. This is how I know that I’m not a
robot. God cares about his vessels. He doesn’t see us as disobedient or
rebellious pieces of machinery. The next two days I looked forward to my
preparation because I couldn’t wait to see what God provided, what
illustrations he sent to me, what stories he would remind me of. And he
provided so well. I was able to share from my heart the amazing truth of grace
that I had experienced so many times throughout my life. I was able to be real
and honest about how I had been blind to so much of God’s grace and the ways
God had humbled me when I had been too proud to see it. And I was able to share
how I had been blessed to give grace to so many people and how they have the
hope and privilege of doing that as well.
I
was also reminded every single day that volunteer youth leaders are some of the
most amazing people on God’s green earth. I recalled daily that wonderful year
and a half when I was part of Bethany Jr. High staff. Those were amazing days,
and so formational and significant for me personally, and not just because
that’s where Molly and I met. I bonded with people under the common flag of
leading young people away from the wide path of destruction and onto the narrow
and winding path of righteousness. We were united under God’s call of grace,
the call to be and give grace to others, to participate in God’s will to rescue
mankind from his slavery to sin and offer him a free life of joy, love, hope
and significance.
However,
although I taught all of this, my mind was limited to camp in many ways. So
when I came home I was surprised that there was grace waiting for me there. I
got home and the very next day went back to work. My heart was slightly
rebellious and bitter about this. I’m still not sure why, when planning this
week and asking for the time off, I was thinking that I would be so zealous to
return to work and why I wouldn’t, you know, want a day to recoup. Also, I saw
Harry Potter 7 at midnight the night I got back, so I only got a few hours of
sleep before going back to the green coffee giant that pays my bills. (If you’d
like to read a review of the film, I’m sure my wife will have one up in a few
days. I’m actually quite surprised that she hasn’t put one up yet.) So grace was
at work immediately. It was amazing to do something that I know for a fact I'm supposed to be doing for the rest of my life and then come back and do something that I don't want to do for even another week! This is where grace becomes most powerful. God was testing to see if this message had really sunk in.
Was I trusting that his grace would be sufficient, if his power was truly
perfected in my weakness? And it was. I survived my weekend of early mornings
and grace was there each morning when I awoke. Grace reminded me that I still
have to fix my car, which is still at the mechanic, going on 2 weeks. Grace
reminded me that I still have to register for classes for the fall. Grace also
reminded me that I still don’t know how my wife and I are going to both go to
school part time and work and still pay the bills. Oh yea, and grace also
reminded me that I’m still not in the career I desire to be in, in fact, I’m
not in a career at all. God’s grace is very exciting, because just like how I
looked forward to the ways that he provided for my sermons, I’m also looking
forward to how he provides for all these needs. I know for a fact that, just
like the last Harry Potter movie, everything will be made clear and every
question will be answered and every worry will be put to rest.